There is something to be said for moving on.
Sometimes you make a conscious, deliberate decision to do it, and other times you only realize it’s happened after it’s a little too late to fix things. There are the rare occasions when you think you’ve already done it, already achieved closure and are in a completely different place in your life, only to find that you aren’t quite where you thought you were.
I don’t talk about him much, but JME and I, since we ended things have remained friends in the aftermath of the shitstorm.
I use the term “friends” loosely. There are no long telephone conversations, we don’t text much – never connect on Facebook. We rarely get together, only once in a while and when we’re in the same city. Nothing we ever go out of our ways for.
Today he mentioned that he’s being transferred to a firm in California. Mentioned that he’d like the LD and I to come with him.
In the movie version of this, this is the part where we fly off to California, start our new lives together and live happily ever after.
In the real-life version of this, this is the part where I say “fuck this shit” and get pissed off.
This is the part where I end our “friendship.”
I can’t do it.
I can’t let the lines get blurry and I certainly can’t let them be crossed.
I think this friendship is why my mother is constantly initiating the awkward “don’t you think it’s time to move on” conversations.
The thing of it is, simply put, I deserve better.
I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me.
I deserve to be with someone who won’t cheat on me.
I deserve to be with someone who sees a future with me – wants to marry me eventually, have children with me, who wants to fucking BE with me.
What I don’t need, is someone showing up, thinking he has any right to ask that of me.
So, our friendship has been laid to rest.
It wasn’t until after all of this today that it hit me that things were finally over.
It’s been months, and never once did I cry over things ending.
I never got angry. I never truly questioned it. It just.. was.
That’s not to say I had no feelings over it, we were together for four years, of course I did.
But I don’t think I ever properly mourned the end of our relationship.
It hit me today – hard.
Perhaps it isn’t the end of the relationship that has me choked up and angry tonight. Perhaps it truly is the end of the friendship that upsets me. We were friends – very good friends – for a long time before we ever dated.
I think it’s the loss of friendship and the loss of my ties to his family that are what really hurt.
His family has always been a part of mine, for as long as I’ve known them.
His nephews are mine – his sister and brother are like my own.
His sister was like much more than a sister to me, if that can even be possible.
No matter how long it’s been over, part of the loss, it’s always going to hurt.
I just can’t have him be in only a small part of my life and I don’t want him in the bigger picture.. so it’s all or nothing and I’m opting for the latter.
So, this is it.
This is the end. Tonight I will let myself feel as irritated and mad and sad as I want.
Tomorrow, I will move on.