The first thing that comes to mind when I consider what I don’t like about myself is how I feel about myself.
I hate my insecurities.
I’ve never been particularly insecure about any aspect of myself but it seems that over the last year or two I’ve developed a significant insecurity about my life. Not just about one thing imparticular, but about things that I’ve always felt really comfortable with and confident in.
The latest insecurity I’m battling is the one with my body.
I find this really strange because even after The LD was born, I still felt really comfortable with myself – I never boasted any of the insecurities people had warned me about. I was so active throughout my pregnancy that, physically, I bounced back faster than I expected and it gave me that extra boost of confidence that I needed to overcome any insecurity I may have expected to have.
One month post-partum and I was on vacation wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes and walking around in a bikini no less.
I don’t know if maybe it’s because I’ve been out of the dating scene for so long, and am only now considering how somebody else may view my body. It didn’t happen overnight but now, when I look in the mirror I see the stretchmarks that I used to be able to look past, the belly that will never be as flat as it used to be, and the birthmark on my back, things which never used to bother me.
Thoughts like this never would have crossed my mind before.
There was a point where I even volunteered a photo of post-partum baby belly to The Belly Project and was excited about it. I don’t think it’s something I could comfortably do, right now.
Now if I get a compliment, it’s like I cringe just hearing it.
I’ll getting a text from B, telling me that I look gorgeous in a photo or something like that and I just want to say, “uh huh, sure.”
Instead I just say thank you and quickly change the subject.
It makes me really uncomfortable for some reason, to the point where I kind of shut down.
My insecurities don’t stop there – lately I’ve felt insecure with my decision to move back to SWO, my decision to work at home, rather than securing a position that offers more security, how I raise The LD – it seems like a never-ending list some days.
How it took me almost 2 weeks to write 400 words, I have no idea, but there you have it – this is what I hate about myself.