What I don’t understand is how our hearts and our minds can have completely different opinions.
When you know something logically and yet you cannot help but have an emotional reaction that says almost the complete opposite.
Like, for instance, seeing that an ex-boyfriend who you have no inherent interest in, has had a baby.
There is no explanation but there is a pang of jealousy for some reason.
Given the chance, would I have a baby with him myself? No.
But jealousy seems to defy logic sometimes.
Then there are tiny little things that shouldn’t even appear on the jealousy radar that seem huge when you have feelings for someone.
It’s kind of hard to understand why I have feelings for somebody (completely unrelated to the blurb about The Ex, above) when logically I know that it could just never work out.
When you know that you deserve better.
When you know logistics make things impossible.
When the level of commitment is so mismatched that it’s comical.
When you resist letting it go any further, because you want to hold out for someone that is going to treat you right.
Why do I know all of this and yet still feel hurt?
I feel betrayed by my heart – it’s the part of me that’s getting hurt, it should be the first part of me that wants to get up and get out.
Yet here I am and it’s the last part of me that is holding on.
I lay in bed and wonder when I’m going to be able to let go and move on – when I’ll be able to stop feeling hurt by things that I don’t feel like I should be “allowed” to feel hurt by.
It kills me to know that he’s out with another girl or interested in someone else – and it isn’t even any of my business.
I have no right to those feelings.
Things are the way they are and I’ve just gotta deal.
It makes me angry – and I’d really rather just feel indifferent.
But here I am, with these feelings that I don’t know what to do with and this mounting frustration that is crushing me.
I have to move on – and I will – but I guess I just need some time.
I know I have to move on, I swear on it, but I just can’t rid myself of this nagging feeling when it comes to whole situation and I just.. wish I knew why. I wish I could put it into words, or explain it even a little bit.
It makes me feel like a crazy person.