dating / JME / Parenting / relationships

Because.. I’m Not Going To Marry You.

Without going into detail about how the topic of conversation came up, JME and I recently discussed why we would never work out  – and why, in graphic detail, I would never marry him.
Considering that I thought it was how we would end up after almost six years, it was a strange conclusion to come to – and even stranger to have to explain to him.

After all this time, and everything that’s happened between us, I don’t know why we even had to revisit this discussion (okay, well I do, but let’s just avoid talking about all of that) and since he didn’t want to marry me while we were together, I’m not entirely sure why it’s an issue now.
He wanted to know why I couldn’t picture it anymore – why it wouldn’t work for me.
It was a lot easier for me to answer than I thought it would be.
Once I got started, I just kept going.

I think I answered just as many questions for myself as I did for him.

My big concern was that somewhere down the line we would be married, have a home and children – and I would be handling it all myself. That’s not what I want. I want someone who is going to be there when they can – somebody who is looking to have me as their partner.
The problem isn’t the long hours, I can work with those.
I don’t mind getting up early so we can have breakfast together and waiting until late to have dinner together.
I didn’t care about never getting an evening or weekend together – it was the time outside of work that was my primary concern.

I just think that in a mature adult relationship, you need to make your partner a priority of some kind and as much as he assured me that I was – I really wasn’t.
When he wasn’t working, he was out with the guys from work – at work functions or just to party.
When it wasn’t work, or coworker related, it was that he needed to get to the gym (and we did workout together when our schedules didn’t conflict) or he needed to go see “the guys.” When it wasn’t one of those, he just needed space.

Spending any time with me was really the last thing on his mind.
It was really difficult for me to handle and I know, going into it, that I wouldn’t deal with it any better as time went on.
In fact, I think, as time went on, I would just get more frustrated with the situation.
We wouldn’t last in the long run.

When we had this conversation and I voiced my concerns, he had a rebuttal argument for everything I had to say.
Rather than make me feel better, it just made it worse.
It actually made me angry.
It made me realize that no matter what I said, or how I explained it to him, he just didn’t understand.

I explained to him that 10 years down the road, if we were married with kids and a house to take care of, I wouldn’t want to be doing it alone all the time. That at some point I would expect him to quit partying like a frat boy, man up and help take care of our family.
It’s not that I couldn’t do it alone – I do it now – it’s that I don’t want to.

I’m not saying he would be forever sentenced to a life inside our house. By all means, go out with your friends for drinks, or to the game – or whatever! I’m saying that I expect you to come home, every single night. I expect that I will not be sitting up waiting to have dinner with you when you’re finished work and you’re a no-show without so much as a phone call or a text. I don’t want to wake up in the morning and wonder if you even came home the night before.

If I’m with somebody, I want them to be with me.
I don’t want to be an afterthought.

His response to my concerns about not having a partner in our life together was to tell me that we could hire somebody to help me.
A nanny.
A housekeeper.

I don’t want that.
I want to raise my own children – and I don’t need somebody to clean my house.
I enjoy doing those things myself.
I just want to be able to do it in a partnership with the person I’m supposed to be doing it with.

No matter how many times, and in how many different ways I explained myself – he just didn’t get it.

That’s not to say that I’d never be with somebody that worked 6-7 days a week and 12+ hour days, and goes on frequent 2-3 week business trips like JME.
Working long hours and being away from each other is something I can deal with.
I guess it’s just the mentality of what happens outside of those hours that matters to me the most.
And he just doesn’t get what I want or need.

I just need to know that at some point my (future) husband and I will be able to take time out of our busy lives and reconnect with each other.
At the end of the day, it’s our relationship that’s important.

He can’t guarantee that – and never wanted it when we lived together. Why should I expect that it would magically change because we signed a legal document?

The other thing he kept bringing up was that at one point, early on in our relationship, I told him that I wasn’t sure it even mattered if we ever got married – what difference does a little piece of paper make? Well, somewhere along the line, something changed. All of a sudden that little piece of paper means something to me.
It’s suddenly something I can’t compromise on.
Don’t ask me why – I don’t have an explanation.
It just is.

I’m kind of concerned that maybe I’ll never find somebody willing to make those compromises for me.
Somebody that wants the same things that I do.
I mean, after 6 years of sex for fun/”do we want to be together”/dating/living together/letting it all fall apart – you’d think we would have had it all figured out.

I guess, even when you know somebody, you really don’t know them as well as you think you do.

Is what I want just too much to ask for?

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7 thoughts on “Because.. I’m Not Going To Marry You.

  1. I think what you want are a perfectly reasonable expectations for the person you want to marry. I’m sorry that you had to go through all the un-comfortableness to get there though. At least you learned some new things about yourself in the process.

  2. The fact that he doesn’t understand your reasons is exactly why you couldn’t marry him!! He would never be on the same page as you! I don’t think you’re asking too much. For me it was a dealbreaker with my husband – he had to start prioritising me and “us” before I would ever consider having children with him (or even staying with him). He was terrible and neglectful and he knows it now. Things are so much better now but for a good while I would sit alone wondering why the hell we even bothered. If he hadn’t made big changes I would not be with him now!! Our problem was we got together when we were immature and had growing to do. Sounds like your ex hasn’t grown with you and you’ve left him behind.

  3. No it is not too much to ask. The things you want and need are not far-fetched. If your partner or would-be partner can not meet those needs…it is time to move on. If I have learned one thing from my similar situation is that it makes sense to really listen to what people say and pay attention to their actions. No one does anything out of character…It doesn’t make him a bad person, just bad for you in a relationship. It’s about not settling! Don’t you think you are worth all the things you want in life? That’s the exact question I ask myself when DB comes back around…and he always does. 🙂 My answer to that question is yes every single time. And whether he gets it or not, it feels so good when we realize we are worth all the things we want and need.

  4. I definitely get where you’re coming from, you & your partner should always be on the same page. I don’t think you’re asking for something unreasonable either, you want to be the priority.

    I think you’ll find what you’re looking for, when you’re least looking for it. Sometimes stuff needs to just happen & when it does, it works. But a lot of your time with JME was you trying to make the thing you wanted happen, which is why it blew up.

  5. It really isn’t too much to ask for, in my opinion. And now that you know these things, it’ll make it that much easier finding someone who can provide them for you.

    *big hugs*

  6. Most guys are like this at an early age. He’s telling himself that he’s ready to settle down and get married, but he’s not. He thinks a relationship is him being allowed to do whatever he wants to do while you just love him unconditionally (i.e. having his cake and eating it, too).

    It took me a long time to fully comprehend what a relationship is supposed to be and the amount of work involved. One day he’ll full realize it, too, and then he’ll know just what he lost with you.

  7. Sometimes breaking up is really really hard. I remember leaving my ex of 6 years (highschool sweetheart) and we’d grown up and grown apart. He refused to listen to anything I said. One day I just left. Pack up my things and drove 500 miles home. I wanted to say goodbye, but I had tried, and he just wouldn’t listen. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

    You weren’t right for each other. And you have every right to want the things you ask for. Sometimes, and I truly believe this, love isn’t enough.

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