dating / long distance / relationships

Commitment

There’s something about significant life changes in the lives of the people around you that causes you to sit back and contemplate what you’re really looking for.

There are times when I wonder if I could ever fully commit to somebody, 100%, full-time, 24/7. I like my space so much that it’s almost as if a long-distance relationship is ideal. All of the commitment with only half the calories. Er.. Suffocation. No wait, that’s probably not the right word.
What I’m saying, I guess, is that I really prefer to have my own space most of the time. That even though I enjoy the company of the people I date, getting to share the bed with somebody and, of course, the whole having sex on a regular basis thing, I just get antsy and irritated when somebody is always in my space.
I suppose that’s why I do so well in long- distance relationships. Especially with JME, when we first began dating and were a ten hour drive apart from each other it felt like our relationship was a lot stronger and it was so much easier to communicate – we were truly happy.
When we decided to move in together things began to go downhill almost immediately. I can’t really explain it. Nothing had changed other than our living arrangements and the distance between us. We were so happy for so long – almost three years, and it was kind of shocking for things to disintegrate the way they did.

The first time I ever met him, I felt like he was “the one” I told my friends I was going to marry him one day, (Although it was well over a year after that before we even began dating) and I felt that way up until sometime during the period when we were living together.
It’s strange to me, when I think about it.

It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to settle down and be happy.

Maybe I just need to end up with someone who is only home a week or two a month.
Seriously.
Or a long distance marriage.
Is that a thing?
My strongest relationships have always been long distance.

I’m sitting on a plane right now, headed to yet another wedding – this time for a friend from college and all I can think about is how what they have is so not for me.
Maybe that will change. Who knows.

On the flip-side, I’m almost jealous that they are so certain about being with each other.

I had a friend get married, recently, that was almost certain that she did not want to be with the groom BUT she wanted to be married, so she married him.
There is truly a difference between settling down and settling. With my past experiences I’m not entirely sure I’d be able to tell the difference for myself if the time ever came – and that thought terrifies me. Although I’m sure my mother would speak up, since she seems to have an opinion on everything – and she’s just as stubborn and opinionated as I am.

She thinks I’m still stuck and hung up on JME, and yeah, I am a little bit – he was a big part of my life, and she reminds me weekly that I need to move on.
But it isn’t just him – there’s B too.
B in a bigger and completely different way.

I need to figure it out but don’t count on that happening anytime soon.

*sigh*

I kind of make myself sound like a commitmentphobe I suppose but that’s not what it is. I don’t enjoy casual sex and “seeing” multiple people? It just stresses me out.
I’m down for being with one person, exclusively, I just need space. I need to be able to have my weekly girls’ night out, sans guilt-trip. I want to be able to do all of the things I enjoy doing, the gym, coffee with friends, random trips etc., without feeling like I shouldn’t because I have someone waiting around for me.

Reading that back to myself, it makes me feel selfish.
Maybe I’m asking too much.
The problem though, is that I’m willing to wait around – alone – until I find exactly what makes me happy.
Which means I may be alone for a very long time.

I’m not willing to settle just so I can settle down.

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9 thoughts on “Commitment

  1. Wow. I understand. I was married for a long time. Been single for a while now and I share my space with my kids. Right now I have no desire to share any more of my physical space with anyone else. I started to say more, but it sounds so bad, so I’ll stop now. But I get it.

  2. You are not alone in that sense at all! I too, find comfort in having my space. Honestly, I think it is a bit of a control issue for me. If I have my space to myself, then I can control what happens in that space. But as soon as I let someone in…the control of MY space seems to become less. Hmmm…I might be onto something here…

  3. Um… YEAH! I could have written all of that and, in fact, have written similar observations about myself and my long distance relationship. I get it. I love my space too.

    We are what we are, right?

  4. It’s not selfish to know what you want and to be honest about it. It’s funny, I never pegged myself for a “needing space” kind of person but I have to admit that I do love having my independence.

    And yes, long distance marriage *is* a thing. In fact, it’s a growing trend. Yes, I’ve looked into it.

    *ahem*

    Of course, having said all that, I think that if you find the right person, he’s going to be ok with you needing your space, independence and “you time”. In fact, he should want those same things – both for you and for himself. Any good relationship is made up of two very distinct people who do their own thing and share their lives with one another, without smothering them.

    But until you find that, then there’s nothing wrong with being on your own and being happy to be that way.

  5. So there was this time when I dating a woman for 6 months, she lived 6 hours away and we saw each other as much as 2 people could – who live 6 hours away. When we were together it was awesome, when we were apart we did our own things – whatever that was. BEcause I’m convinced I never new entirely what she did nor did she me.

    Anyway, we decided to live in the same town (not move in) and I paid to have her moved to Atlanta. Within a month of that move we were broken up. I’ve often sat back and thought about that situation and what went so wrong with it.

    And I came up with this.

    A long distance relationship isn’t really a relationship, it’s more like an arrangement, almost a FWB. You’re in a relationship while you are together and the time apart brings more fondness but there is still a life and that person isn’t a big part of it while they are away. In the end most of the time is spent on the phone, Skype, whatever. Often appearances are put up and anyone can keep up a happy face for an hour or so.

    I say all that to say I made a decision after that, no long distance relationships. Ever again. I didn’t care how hot she was, how much we connected, or any other thing. I believe that in a long distance relationship I’m only getting part of the story and that’s not something I want.

    I wouldn’t beat yourself up about your commitment thing, I just think that you were in a relationship with went from long distance to living together – over night. That’s alot in a short amount of time.

    • As someone who has been in a long distance relationship for over three years now, I’ve got to respectfully call “bullshit” on your response, Kyle. What you described may very well have been the case for you and your long distance relationship, but I think you’re doing a GROSS disservice to others in LDRs by painting them all with the same brush. I would challenge anyone stating that my relationship isn’t a relationship. We have been there and supported one another through parenting issues, grief, difficult situations, work issues…all of the things that “regular” couples do. We have seen one another at our worst moments and continued to love each other through them.

      I don’t believe that what I share with my man is particularly unique, either. There are lots of people happily in LDRs that are no less “real” than any of the more traditional relationships out there.

    • Sorry Kyle…but a REAL long-distance relationship isn’t simply an arrangement or a FWB situation. I’m sure that’s what happened with you, but obviously you two weren’t meant to be together and didn’t know what you were doing.

      I’ve been in an LDR with Sunshine for over three years now. There are NO secrets between us. I know exactly who she is and she knows me…we decided very early on that it was the only way this was going to work. And thus far, it’s only gotten better with time.

      The other thing is that helps is spending long stretches of time together. It’s preparation for the eventual time when we do decide to be in the same house in the same city. We’ve done a week…ten days…long stretches of being in each other’s spaces, both with our kids and without. We know what to expect…there aren’t going to be any surprises because when we’re together, we do our damndest to live as normal a life as possible as a couple…not an LDR bootie call.

      If it’s right, it’ll work. If it was never meant to be, it won’t work. It’s a very plain and simple concept.

      Best of luck with whatever you do, Nic. I think you’ll find what you’re looking for when the time is right for you..

  6. You are definitely not alone in the sense you don’t think what some people have is not for you. I never wanted to get married or have kids and I still don’t. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that 🙂

  7. I think that’s why my current relationship works so well for me right now. I have so much going on & I’ve only lived in “my” house for a few months so I like maintaining my independence while still having someone that I care about. We don’t always have time to see each other or even talk every day but when we do have time together we make it count.

    I think we’re afraid to give each other space because we think if we’re not in each other’s faces 24/7 then the feelings will fade. Adversely, long distance relationships keep the warm fuzzy much longer than the “comfortable, real” relationship & it tends to fizzle once the stardust is gone.

    You haven’t found that person yet. The “fight for it” person. The person you are comfortable enough to share your life with. Some people never do. I think we should chuck out the Cosmo rules & expectations & just find something that works on a couple by couple basis.

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