There’s something about significant life changes in the lives of the people around you that causes you to sit back and contemplate what you’re really looking for.
There are times when I wonder if I could ever fully commit to somebody, 100%, full-time, 24/7. I like my space so much that it’s almost as if a long-distance relationship is ideal. All of the commitment with only half the calories. Er.. Suffocation. No wait, that’s probably not the right word.
What I’m saying, I guess, is that I really prefer to have my own space most of the time. That even though I enjoy the company of the people I date, getting to share the bed with somebody and, of course, the whole having sex on a regular basis thing, I just get antsy and irritated when somebody is always in my space.
I suppose that’s why I do so well in long- distance relationships. Especially with JME, when we first began dating and were a ten hour drive apart from each other it felt like our relationship was a lot stronger and it was so much easier to communicate – we were truly happy.
When we decided to move in together things began to go downhill almost immediately. I can’t really explain it. Nothing had changed other than our living arrangements and the distance between us. We were so happy for so long – almost three years, and it was kind of shocking for things to disintegrate the way they did.
The first time I ever met him, I felt like he was “the one” I told my friends I was going to marry him one day, (Although it was well over a year after that before we even began dating) and I felt that way up until sometime during the period when we were living together.
It’s strange to me, when I think about it.
It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to settle down and be happy.
Maybe I just need to end up with someone who is only home a week or two a month.
Or a long distance marriage.
Is that a thing?
My strongest relationships have always been long distance.
I’m sitting on a plane right now, headed to yet another wedding – this time for a friend from college and all I can think about is how what they have is so not for me.
Maybe that will change. Who knows.
On the flip-side, I’m almost jealous that they are so certain about being with each other.
I had a friend get married, recently, that was almost certain that she did not want to be with the groom BUT she wanted to be married, so she married him.
There is truly a difference between settling down and settling. With my past experiences I’m not entirely sure I’d be able to tell the difference for myself if the time ever came – and that thought terrifies me. Although I’m sure my mother would speak up, since she seems to have an opinion on everything – and she’s just as stubborn and opinionated as I am.
She thinks I’m still stuck and hung up on JME, and yeah, I am a little bit – he was a big part of my life, and she reminds me weekly that I need to move on.
But it isn’t just him – there’s B too.
B in a bigger and completely different way.
I need to figure it out but don’t count on that happening anytime soon.
I kind of make myself sound like a commitmentphobe I suppose but that’s not what it is. I don’t enjoy casual sex and “seeing” multiple people? It just stresses me out.
I’m down for being with one person, exclusively, I just need space. I need to be able to have my weekly girls’ night out, sans guilt-trip. I want to be able to do all of the things I enjoy doing, the gym, coffee with friends, random trips etc., without feeling like I shouldn’t because I have someone waiting around for me.
Reading that back to myself, it makes me feel selfish.
Maybe I’m asking too much.
The problem though, is that I’m willing to wait around – alone – until I find exactly what makes me happy.
Which means I may be alone for a very long time.
I’m not willing to settle just so I can settle down.