I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my life and who I am and what it is that I want to do with my life.
Despite feeling lonely and a little anxious over certain things I feel like I’ve finally moved a giant step forward in my life – and maybe it’s just the calm before the storm, or maybe it’s just that I’ve officially been here, without JME, for a year. I feel like somewhere along the way, I put the baggage down and began to move on.
I think it was gradual, so I didn’t really notice it at first, and yeah, I am still struggling with certain aspects of my life more than I’d ever admit outside of this blog or texts to MH but tonight, I had the tiniest revelation: I am right where I need to be, for me. I’m happy. I mean, I’m still struggling – but I’m happy.
The strangest part of all of this is that all it took was carving a pumpkin with the LD for it to hit me.
I find that I get a lot more joy out of the small things in life than I ever truly did outside of the honeymoon phase of my three years with JME.
That was three years that was a whole lot of arguing, stress and discontentment. Yeah, a lot of it had to do with outside stresses in our lives for each of us, but it was still there. Now I’m here, raising the LD on my own, paying all of the bills by myself, running a business alone – cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping – the whole shebang – alone.
Not only is it not as terrible as I pictured it being, I actually, genuinely, enjoy it.
As I sat there, elbows deep in pumpkin goo and talking about the Halloween crafts we are going to make, I thought about how I could really enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom if the opportunity ever presented itself.
If you don’t know me IRL then you don’t know how big of a deal this is.
Before the LD I was all about my career – who I was going to be, where I was going to go and the amazing things I was going to do.
I planned on getting married, one day, but I never planned on children. I just couldn’t see how they would fit into my plan and, besides that, I was one of those people that just hated children, with the exception of the children of close friends and family.
Then the LD came along.
Now my plans have changed – but so has what I want and where I want to go and what I want to do.
He has changed my entire world and opened it up to possibilities that I never allowed myself to consider.
It’s really hard for me to understand why in 4 1/2 years of being a parent I’ve never really felt this way or allowed myself the freedom to enjoy my life the way it’s happened but maybe it’s because things have finally settled down around here. Our life was up in the air for so long, especially over the last year, with JME and the baby and moving and school and business and.. the list goes on. But now, there is nothing but calm – for the moment.
I don’t mind some chaos in my life but I feel like it needs to be constructive chaos and everything over the last year was the exact opposite of that.
It was the chaos of my life breaking down.
Today we have routine, and peace.
I feel like my heart has opened up and relaxed after being closed off and in a perpetual state of tension for so long.
I feel like every decision that has led me to where I am now, was ultimately a good one.
I feel like this weekend marks the start of a fresh new year for the LD and I.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders – I literally just feel lighter.
I don’t feel the need to go to the gym every single day just to get the tension from all of the stress out of my body. I go now because it makes me feel good and it makes me happy.
I finally feel like I can enjoy my life – and I feel ridiculous saying this but, I feel like I can just enjoy being a mom.
Despite feeling like the last 4 years has been filled with a lot of stress and worry about “What the hell am I going to do” I feel good and lately I’ve felt like being a mom – single or not – is the best part of my life. I don’t think I could have said that before and there is a lot of guilt that comes along with admitting it but I feel like at this point in my life I can admit that and be okay with it.
I am just so happy with the life that the LD and I have created together.
I feel like all of the stress and the worries in the past were almost worth it because he is the best thing in my life.
And lately, I feel lucky every day that he is mine.
I feel like every day of my life that I am his mother, is the best day of my life.