life / Little Dude / me / my relationship with me / Parenting / relationships / self confidence / Single parenting

Finally At Peace With Myself.

 

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my life and who I am and what it is that I want to do with my life.

Despite feeling lonely and a little anxious over certain things I feel like I’ve finally moved a giant step forward in my life – and maybe it’s just the calm before the storm, or maybe it’s just that I’ve officially been here, without JME, for a year. I feel like somewhere along the way, I put the baggage down and began to move on.
I think it was gradual, so I didn’t really notice it at first, and yeah, I am still struggling with certain aspects of my life more than I’d ever admit outside of this blog or texts to MH but tonight, I had the tiniest revelation: I am right where I need to be, for me. I’m happy. I mean, I’m still struggling – but I’m happy.

The strangest part of all of this is that all it took was carving a pumpkin with the LD for it to hit me.
I find that I get a lot more joy out of the small things in life than I ever truly did outside of the honeymoon phase of my three years with JME.
That was three years that was a whole lot of arguing, stress and discontentment. Yeah, a lot of it had to do with outside stresses in our lives for each of us, but it was still there. Now I’m here, raising the LD on my own, paying all of the bills by myself, running a business alone – cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping – the whole shebang – alone.
Not only is it not as terrible as I pictured it being, I actually, genuinely, enjoy it.

As I sat there, elbows deep in pumpkin goo and talking about the Halloween crafts we are going to make, I thought about how I could really enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom if the opportunity ever presented itself.

If you don’t know me IRL then you don’t know how big of a deal this is.

Before the LD I was all about my career – who I was going to be, where I was going to go and the amazing things I was going to do.
I planned on getting married, one day, but I never planned on children. I just couldn’t see how they would fit into my plan and, besides that, I was one of those people that just hated children, with the exception of the children of close friends and family.
Then the LD came along.
Now my plans have changed – but so has what I want and where I want to go and what I want to do.
He has changed my entire world and opened it up to possibilities that I never allowed myself to consider.

It’s really hard for me to understand why in 4 1/2 years of being a parent I’ve never really felt this way or allowed myself the freedom to enjoy my life the way it’s happened but maybe it’s because things have finally settled down around here. Our life was up in the air for so long, especially over the last year, with JME and the baby and moving and school and business and.. the list goes on. But now, there is nothing but calm – for the moment.
I don’t mind some chaos in my life but I feel like it needs to be constructive chaos and everything over the last year was the exact opposite of that.
It was the chaos of my life breaking down.

Today we have routine, and peace.
I feel like my heart has opened up and relaxed after being closed off and in a perpetual state of tension for so long.

I feel like every decision that has led me to where I am now, was ultimately a good one.

I feel like this weekend marks the start of a fresh new year for the LD and I.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders – I literally just feel lighter.
I don’t feel the need to go to the gym every single day just to get the tension from all of the stress out of my body. I go now because it makes me feel good and it makes me happy.

I finally feel like I can enjoy my life – and I feel ridiculous saying this but, I feel like I can just enjoy being a mom.
Despite feeling like the last 4 years has been filled with a lot of stress and worry about “What the hell am I going to do” I feel good and lately I’ve felt like being a mom – single or not – is the best part of my life. I don’t think I could have said that before and there is a lot of guilt that comes along with admitting it but I feel like at this point in my life I can admit that and be okay with it.
I am just so happy with the life that the LD and I have created together.

I feel like all of the stress  and the worries in the past were almost worth it because he is the best thing in my life.
And lately, I feel lucky every day that he is mine.

I feel like every day of my life that I am his mother, is the best day of my life.

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5 thoughts on “Finally At Peace With Myself.

  1. This makes me so happy. Sometimes we don’t pay attention to the MOMENT and force ourselves to look at something else … and that hurts our happiness (at least for me). When The Ex left and I finally got to the point of being HAPPY where I was–accepting it–that’s when I met DH and finally got a full-time job. I don’t always love that … I miss working from home A LOT but I needed a job and wasn’t finding anything. I am so happy for you. Just being happy is a huge relief. Accepting means taking the should-have pressure off your shoulders and you can just BE! I wish you nothing but happiness like that!

  2. Seeing that someone found the “peace” is extremely hopeful! Don’t get me wrong…my son is my world and I am so grateful to have him each and every day. But for the last 7 years I constantly find myself wondering “What the hell I’m gonna do?” This is the most difficult job I will ever have and a great man (my dad) once told me recently that we, as parents, need to enjoy these crazy, busy, impossible times now because looking back they are gone in flash and we will be wishing them back someday! Good for you and best of luck. 🙂 Happiness is key….it creates the inner peace we all want.

  3. Well I’m a bit different take being male with a 4 year old but I can certainly identify with the stress, the worry and the overwhelming love I have for my boy. I’d walk through fire for him. Its been a bit of a haul for me over these past few years as well but I’m confident to say that somehow.. and I don’t have a freakin’ clue how… it seems to work itself out.

    You’ll have no problem making your own way, and your boy will grow up knowing he’s been loved from day one. Thats all that really matters. And when we’re old and grey (and I’m getting more grey by the day I’m sure) we’ll look back at what we ‘thought’ were struggles and wish we could do them again.

    Best wishes. tj

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