I feel like I say this every week lately but it has truly been a hell of a week.
Between conflicts within my closest friendships and a trip to the hospital for the most important little man in my life, I feel drained.
Most of the time I feel like a strong, independent, single mama – and I suppose that’s because I am, in my opinion, most of the time. But there are just certain things in life that make you wish you had a partner sitting next you, for a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold on those rare occasions when you need it.
This last week and a half has made me feel like I’m just falling apart and just barely holding myself together.
I’m so busy most of the time that I don’t think about it much unless I’m laying in bed late one night when it’s impossible to fall asleep – and it’s forgotten about by morning. Or maybe not forgotten but pushed far back enough out of my mind that I can ignore it.
The fact of the matter is that while I was sitting in that emergency room last Thursday, terrified, cradling my entire world in my arms, I could not feel more alone.
Like I told B, I have been in a couple of terrible car accidents, I’ve had to identify my mother’s body after a hit and run and I’ve been mugged by an asshole with a gun and been stupid enough to run after him but I have never, never, felt so scared in my life.
But there is nothing I can do but smile and tell the LD that everything is going to be okay.
I don’t need someone in my life but I know for a fact that having someone there makes all of the happy times happier and the scary times a little less so.
Sometimes I need a break from the tough mama persona and I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be okay.
In reality there is nothing I can do but carry on.
I can fill my days with work, the LD and girls’ nights out as much as I want to but there is still a little something that tugs at my heart and a little voice inside of me that makes me feel like
something someone is missing.
I just wish that little voice wasn’t so loud when things are already hard enough.