life / Little Dude / my relationship with me / relationships / Single parenting

Struggling To Stay Strong.

I feel like I say this every week lately but it has truly been a hell of a week.

Between conflicts within my closest friendships and a trip to the hospital for the most important little man in my life, I  feel drained.
Most of the time I feel like a strong, independent, single mama – and I suppose that’s because I am, in my opinion, most of the time. But there are just certain things in life that make you wish you had a partner sitting next you, for a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold on those rare occasions when you need it.

This last week and a half has made me feel like I’m just falling apart and just barely holding myself together.

I’m so busy most of the time that I don’t think about it much unless I’m laying in bed late one night when it’s impossible to fall asleep – and it’s forgotten about by morning. Or maybe not forgotten but pushed far back enough out of my mind that I can ignore it.

The fact of the matter is that while I was sitting in that emergency room last Thursday, terrified, cradling my entire world in my arms, I could not feel more alone.

Like I told B, I have been in a couple of terrible car accidents, I’ve had to identify my mother’s body after a hit and run and I’ve been mugged by an asshole with a gun and been stupid enough to run after him but I have never, never, felt so scared in my life.
But there is nothing I can do but smile and tell the LD that everything is going to be okay.
I don’t need someone in my life but I know for a fact that having someone there makes all of the happy times happier and the scary times a little less so.
Sometimes I need a break from the tough mama persona and I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be okay.
In reality there is nothing I can do but carry on.

I can fill my days with work, the LD and girls’ nights out as much as I want to but there is still a little something that tugs at my heart and a little voice inside of me that makes me feel like something someone is missing.
I just wish that little voice wasn’t so loud when things are already hard enough.

My whole world, summed up in one photo.

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6 thoughts on “Struggling To Stay Strong.

  1. Honey what happened that had you at the emergency room???? I would be so freaked out by that alone!! I understand how you’re feeling…I faced that a lot. It is nice to have DH, but sometimes when it comes to things about the kids I still feel like I’m alone sometimes. Even if not 100% alone. I think all single moms feel this way at some point or other! You’re doing such a great job (just look at that happy, handsome boy!)!!

    • He was having seizures in his sleep – he’s sick right now so the doctor said that it was probably fever induced. He hasn’t had one since so I’m hoping he’s right.

      I suppose I’m not totally alone, my parents just live across town, but it always kind of feels like it – at least a little.

      Thank you 🙂 He is a very happy little guy!

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