I think generally when people stop blogging it’s not really a conscious decision. It just happens.
I think most people assume that it’s a byproduct of happiness outside of the blogosphere – a satisfaction and contentment that comes from some other aspect of their lives.
I know, for me, that assumption isn’t right..
I use my blog to get my thoughts out, to work everything out, but I tend to pull away and to quit when I get overwhelmed. On one hand I can’t believe it’s been 2 months since I’ve posted, but on the other, I can.
Just like when I stopped writing in the other blog when things with JME started to go awry.
I know people assumed I stopped posting because I was happy and content – that there was no angst.
In reality it was, and is, just the opposite.
There have been so many changes, so much going on, that I’m overwhelmed.
Moving, and relationships, and work, and life and deaths…
I’m just.. overwhelmed.
I can’t decide if it’s easier or more frustrating the second time around – this single parent with no day-to-day help thing.
I think parts of it are easier because I have an idea of what to expect. Other parts are frustrating because I know what to expect but it isn’t any easier.
I’m kind of bummed about how bummed I feel a lot of the time but I don’t really know what to do about it or how to fix it.
The first time I lived on my own with the Little Dude it was really difficult. A lot more difficult than I had ever anticipated it being, but I think part of that was because my entire support system was a nine hour drive away and because of everything that happened with the job that I’d moved there for.
Nothing was what I had expected it to be and I wasn’t sure if I could handle it. It broke me down, I
highly suspect I was depressed. It was harder than anything I’d ever done. I wrote about it a little bit but I never really wrote about how bad it really was.
I still can’t talk about it.
But I’m worried that it’ll happen again. Worried that it’ll suck me in somehow.
I’ve been so busy with work and housework and raising a four-year old that it hasn’t.
But in that quiet time when I’m sitting on the couch and have a few minutes to think, I worry that it will.
It’s like I just have too much time to sit and overthink, and overthink and worry.
Some days it’s too much.
Some days, I cry a lot.
I cry because I’m worried, or because I’m feeling particularly lonely.
I cry because of how many things have changed and gone wrong in the last few months.
Because of how many people I’ve lost in my life recently.
Because I feel like I don’t have any control over the things that really affect me in life.
A week and a half ago we were at the bar, celebrating our friends and their life together and all it took was one phone call to change it. After that there was only one person in the entire world that I wanted to talk to, but I couldn’t – he was busy. It was like a big, fat, sobering dose of reality.
In more ways than one.
Early the next morning, as I sat in the airport, still drunk, after finally getting my friend on a flight back home to her family, I kind of lost it. I just sat in the lobby and cried.
I went back to my hotel room and layed in my bed.
I couldn’t even cry anymore.
I felt numb.
I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep.
But I couldn’t turn my mind off long enough to make it happen.
I kind of feel like that’s how it’s been since I got home.
I feel sort of numb.
I’m exhausted and I can’t sleep.
I know it’s going to get better.
The last few weeks have been a lot to process.
I just need time.
Some days I just wish I had somebody.
Someone I could share things like this with, who could understand and listen, even when there are things going on that they can’t make better.
I feel like I need someone to listen while I just get it all out of my system.
But, me being me, I’m just not the kind of person who will ask that of someone. There’s very, very, few people I feel comfortable sharing what I’m truly thinking or feeling with. So, instead, I slap a smile on my face every morning, throw myself into what I’m doing and just go on with my day.
It’s just… overwhelming.. you know?