I am not a feelings kind of person. I think that is, in part, why I blog. To understand my own emotions and the thought processes in my head.
I write what I don’t feel comfortable saying and when I’m done, I never come back to it.
I never re-read or edit what I write – it’s all free flowing thought. If I did, even just to check for spelling or grammar errors, I’d censor myself. I probably wouldn’t even hit publish at all. I think that’s why I haven’t had any public blog posts lately.
I write them – they’re there, I just keep them to myself as soon as I read over them and think “I can’t possibly let another person read this stuff.”
I do much better dealing with the abstract rather than the specifics. Any public posts I have are pretty generalized if they’re about me. If there is something specific I want to get into I either publish it privately or password protect it, like my posts about B.
Lately I’ve been trying to figure things out, and I’m not sure where to go with them and how to deal with the feelings. I can’t link back to the posts when I’m writing on my phone but in reference to what I wrote about B: this shit is totally fucking with my head.
I’m not used to not being able to read and interpret my own feelings. While I don’t particularly enjoy discussing them, I’m still pretty in tune with them. I usually know right away how I feel and why I feel that way and where it’s going.
With B it’s different and it’s confusing as fuck. (Excuse my language.)
With B, I try to talk myself out of feeling the way I know that I feel. I try to talk myself out of feeling anything, really.
When I’m not talking to him, it’s easy.
When I’m not talking to him I’m quick to tell myself that it’s infatuation. That I’m just attracted to him and I’m making connections in my mind that just aren’t really there.
PART of that is true. I’m attracted to him. I’m attracted to who he is and the man I’ve gotten to know over the last six months.
Physically I’m attracted to him too although I think in part that may be due to the mental and emotional attraction. Typically though, he isn’t my type, physically. So I’m pretty certain that it isn’t a purely physical attraction – even if I like to tell myself it is. Generally I’m attracted to men that are significantly taller than I am, older than I am and who have dark and and dark eyes.
He is none of those things.
He’s only a little bit taller than I am, less than a month older, with blonde hair and (gorgeous) blue eyes.
I think if I’d met him outside of the way that I did I would think he was attractive but wouldn’t necessarily be attracted TO him.
I think that’s what makes it so difficult.
I’m not just attracted to him, I’m attracted to who he is.
Part of me thinks this is just crazy. Another part of me thinks that crazier things have happened.
There’s just this *connection* and it’s equal parts fascinating and absolutely terrifying to me.
For all I know, this is completely one sided and I am completely out of my mind.
I WISH there was a way to figure this out. I wish it was simpler. I wish I didn’t have to rely on texts and the rare phone call to help me sort it out. If anything, it’s complicating things more.
The real problem with me starting to feel is that it genuinely terrifies me. That as soon as I start to feel something, I start to pull away.
Some days I’m happy to just go with it – see what happens, if anything. Other days I want to know “why?”
I feel like for some reason, I was meant to have him come into my life (cheesy but true) and I want to know why. I want to have answers and be able to figure shit out.
I’m a little scared to just let things happen on their own without knowing their purpose.
I remember telling him a few months ago that he was going to break my heart one day. That I could just feel it.
I’m scared that it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like I jinxed it. Should have kept how I was feeling to myself.
Because you can only get hurt if you allow yourself to open up and provide that opportunity to another person.
Even if you’ve both wondered aloud if such a thing as soul-mates could truly exist and if, on the off chance that they do, maybe you were each other’s.