dating / friendship / JME / long distance / me / relationships

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Weary.

When JME first proposed the idea that I move alone, ahead of him, my first thought was “no.”
I knew that if I did there was no chance of our relationship surviving.

I would have been right, I think, for all the wrong reasons.

I remember saying to him, “I don’t want a long distance relationship.”
I remember thinking, “It was hard enough the first time around.”
I remember feeling like it was an easy out for him – like he wanted to end things and it was easier to do so from across the province.

It was true though.
I didn’t want a long distance relationship and I didn’t think it could work.
We were both emotionally fragile.
I think we were both too checked out, too hurt, to make it work.
Little did I know that the distance would become an easy out for me. No trying to “get past” things that happened near the end. No trying to fix things, no dealing with it on a daily basis, dragging it out.

I tried though, I really did.
New Years Day did it for me though.
The shortest fight we’ve ever had yet the one that hurt me more than anything between us ever had.

Even after everything we went through and indiscretions that still hurt, even today, I kept trying, kept making an effort – trying to heal ‘us.’

It’s something that can’t be one sided if you want it to work.

For so long I thought, “This is what a long distance situation does to relationships.”
It took a long time for me to hold the infidelity, secrecy, depression and deceit accountable for the demise of my relationship.

I know now that it wasn’t the long distance relationship that I shied away from, it was a long distance relationship with him.
I realize that when both people put effort and work into that relationship it can be successful. When you’re the only one pushing for it, you just keep going in circles.

I’ve learned that trust is a valuable commodity that can’t be taken for granted.

I want to be able to say, without a doubt, that given the chance with the right person I would absolutely try again but I just don’t know.
I believe that I would but I can’t say yes with certainty.
Maybe it would just depend on the person.

Maybe this is all just baggage.
Leftover stuff from dealing with all of the JME stuff.
He wasn’t able to put the effort into our relationship while we lived together so why, especially after all that happened between us last fall, would I expect that putting a province between us would change that?

I want to believe that if I was in that situation again true love would trump all, so I’m going to keep telling myself it does until I’m sure I can.

Is it fair to place a restriction on future relationships because of one bad experience?

I feel like even thinking about all of this somehow betrays his trust, but then I remember last fall and that our “temporary one month separation” has turned into a much more permanent separation. Then I remember that it’s been seven months.
Then it’s like, “Holy fuck, it’s been seven months.”

Part of me used to hope that we’d be able to repair what’s been broken, reconcile and get back to building a life together.
Now that part of me is wondering if that was ever what I really wanted.

If it had been, wouldn’t I have been able to fight harder for it – been able to make it work?

I think part of the reason it hurt so much to lose what we had is because we were friends for so long, before we started dating 3 years ago last weekend, and I’m still mourning the loss of our 6 year friendship – although I feel like I’ve been doing that for a lot longer than 7 months.

When you make the decision to be with someone in a long distance relationship you have to choose to be with them. That means commitment, patience, a lot of trust and a lot of communication. Our relationship was lacking a lot of that, on one side, right from the get-go. It would have been doomed if there hadn’t already been other factors contributing to it’s inevitable failure.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m just writing what’s in my head tonight.

I don’t want what we had.
What we had wasn’t a happy kind of thing and it had been like that for a long time.
I think that if JME’s depression hadn’t been a factor then maybe things would be different – although I don’t fault him for it, and I don’t blame it for the way things are now. I just think that without it, he may have made more of an effort to work with me.
Maybe there wouldn’t have been any indiscretions.

I think it’s about time to get some closure and move on with my life.
Time to separate our various accounts, move the rest of my things out of the house and just move on.

Seven months is a long time to feel unsure about something.
Time to man up and move on.

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10 thoughts on “Absence Makes The Heart Grow Weary.

  1. I hope that the ‘moving on’ process gives you some sort of closure. Sounds like a tough break up. A lot to get your head around!
    For most of my relationship so far, my husband worked away for half of each year (on a minesite – fly in fly out) or more. He was home at least every couple of weeks but it did feel like a long distance relationship.
    Trust, communication and having the other person first and foremost in your heart (and then showing it) was SO important. I think that because we always had a plan to be together full time (which sounds funny as we’ve shared a house and our lives all that time), to come together – that is how we have managed to keep things going. It takes a lot of commitment and goal making.
    It sounds like your ex couldn’t provide that to you.

    • I think a lot of it was that he didn’t know what he wanted or where he was going with his life.
      He was always so down on himself for not being able to find a job in his field for so long that he lost sight of the other aspects of his life.
      Unfortunately for me, our relationship was what ended up suffering.

      I think if it had been more like your situation – where there was an actual purpose to the separation and an end goal – maybe we could have made it work (although there were many other contributing factors to why it couldn’t.)

      If I could have the trust, communication, commitment and goal making that you have I think I could do it.
      As much as it would still kind of suck, I think I could do it.
      Maybe.
      lol

  2. I’m all the more curious to to read your back-story now, but it seems like (from this post) that moving on would be a good thing. New things can’t come in until you make room for them! 😉

    • I probably could have linked back to some of it lol
      Most of it is at the very beginning of my blog archive in January.
      If you get around to it and need a password for a post just let me know!

  3. Pingback: Timing Is Everything. « Mister Mama, Sir

  4. Moving on is so important. And it sucks at the same time. But closing the loose ends will help with it all. I hated getting alimony from The Ex b/c it was like he was paying me so he could be with his other wife. But I NEEDED it….could NOT survive without it, so I did it. But getting remarried meant alimony ended and I kind of like that separation from him. I still get child support, but somehow that’s different. The more separation I get from him the better I feel about the whole process! 🙂

  5. I’ve been curious about what happened to JME. I don’t think you ever really ever wrote about it. Probably because it was painful. Totally understandable. I agree with everyone that it’s time for you to move on. What I’ve read so far about you makes me pretty damn certain that you will find the perfect guy someday. You just seem so ready to give massive amounts of love to the right person.

    Oh, and LDRs? They’re hard enough when everything is going well. I can’t even imagine maintaining one when things are really crappy.

  6. There’s not usually anything fun about LDRs. They are so hard. I’ve had my fair share of them. Not sure why I keep getting in to them knowing how hard they are but maybe it’s the challenge. I’m glad you wrote about this because I was wondering what had happened to JME. I hope you’re feeling a little bit of closure now. *hugs*

  7. Pingback: Finally At Peace With Myself. « Mister Mama, Sir

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