When JME first proposed the idea that I move alone, ahead of him, my first thought was “no.”
I knew that if I did there was no chance of our relationship surviving.
I would have been right, I think, for all the wrong reasons.
I remember saying to him, “I don’t want a long distance relationship.”
I remember thinking, “It was hard enough the first time around.”
I remember feeling like it was an easy out for him – like he wanted to end things and it was easier to do so from across the province.
It was true though.
I didn’t want a long distance relationship and I didn’t think it could work.
We were both emotionally fragile.
I think we were both too checked out, too hurt, to make it work.
Little did I know that the distance would become an easy out for me. No trying to “get past” things that happened near the end. No trying to fix things, no dealing with it on a daily basis, dragging it out.
I tried though, I really did.
New Years Day did it for me though.
The shortest fight we’ve ever had yet the one that hurt me more than anything between us ever had.
Even after everything we went through and indiscretions that still hurt, even today, I kept trying, kept making an effort – trying to heal ‘us.’
It’s something that can’t be one sided if you want it to work.
For so long I thought, “This is what a long distance situation does to relationships.”
It took a long time for me to hold the infidelity, secrecy, depression and deceit accountable for the demise of my relationship.
I know now that it wasn’t the long distance relationship that I shied away from, it was a long distance relationship with him.
I realize that when both people put effort and work into that relationship it can be successful. When you’re the only one pushing for it, you just keep going in circles.
I’ve learned that trust is a valuable commodity that can’t be taken for granted.
I want to be able to say, without a doubt, that given the chance with the right person I would absolutely try again but I just don’t know.
I believe that I would but I can’t say yes with certainty.
Maybe it would just depend on the person.
Maybe this is all just baggage.
Leftover stuff from dealing with all of the JME stuff.
He wasn’t able to put the effort into our relationship while we lived together so why, especially after all that happened between us last fall, would I expect that putting a province between us would change that?
I want to believe that if I was in that situation again true love would trump all, so I’m going to keep telling myself it does until I’m sure I can.
Is it fair to place a restriction on future relationships because of one bad experience?
I feel like even thinking about all of this somehow betrays his trust, but then I remember last fall and that our “temporary one month separation” has turned into a much more permanent separation. Then I remember that it’s been seven months.
Then it’s like, “Holy fuck, it’s been seven months.”
Part of me used to hope that we’d be able to repair what’s been broken, reconcile and get back to building a life together.
Now that part of me is wondering if that was ever what I really wanted.
If it had been, wouldn’t I have been able to fight harder for it – been able to make it work?
I think part of the reason it hurt so much to lose what we had is because we were friends for so long, before we started dating 3 years ago last weekend, and I’m still mourning the loss of our 6 year friendship – although I feel like I’ve been doing that for a lot longer than 7 months.
When you make the decision to be with someone in a long distance relationship you have to choose to be with them. That means commitment, patience, a lot of trust and a lot of communication. Our relationship was lacking a lot of that, on one side, right from the get-go. It would have been doomed if there hadn’t already been other factors contributing to it’s inevitable failure.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m just writing what’s in my head tonight.
I don’t want what we had.
What we had wasn’t a happy kind of thing and it had been like that for a long time.
I think that if JME’s depression hadn’t been a factor then maybe things would be different – although I don’t fault him for it, and I don’t blame it for the way things are now. I just think that without it, he may have made more of an effort to work with me.
Maybe there wouldn’t have been any indiscretions.
I think it’s about time to get some closure and move on with my life.
Time to separate our various accounts, move the rest of my things out of the house and just move on.
Seven months is a long time to feel unsure about something. Time to man up and move on.