blogging / dating / EXs / my relationship with me / relationships / Travel

Heartbreak and Heartache: A Letter To The Universe.

Disclaimer: I swear this is a one time pity-post. It’ll never happen again. Probably. But I just found something out, and it’s too late to call home and bitch to someone there. So readers beware. You will never hear me speak about this again, nor will I blog about it again but for tonight I’m going to let myself. Alternate title for this post: I need to stop being so damn naive OR I hate getting played. Either one would have worked.


Have you ever found something out by accident that completely tore you apart, from your heart right down to your soul?
The kind of thing that, immediately upon finding out, makes your hands shake and makes you want to vomit?
Like a punch right in the gut.

The kind of hurt that happens way beyond finding somebody else’s clothes in the clean laundry you’re folding.
Or finding out that YOU are the pregnant “other woman” screwing up somebody else’s life.

It’s the kind of hurt that happens when you find out that things have carefully been orchestrated to give the illusion of something that obviously wasn’t even there to begin with – if it had been then there wouldn’t have been anything hurtful for you to find.

I know it really shouldn’t be as big of a deal as it feels..
Logically.
But I tend to think as much with my head as I do with my heart and, for right now, my heart is hurting.
And I’m just going to let it.

But I have to tell you, there is a world of difference between thinking you know something and actually knowing.
A world of difference and world of hurt.

Today, “everything happens for a reason,” feels like a whole lot of bullshit.

I keep asking myself why I do it. Why I open myself up and let my heart get stomped all over.
The thing is I just can’t help it.
Maybe I think more with my heart than my head, who knows.
I let myself get hurt too easily.
I need to start learning when to ease off, step back and re-evaluate relationships.
Earlier than when I realize I’m about to get hurt, big time.

You know I don’t mind the kind of tears that come along with being touched, or moved or even saddened by something but fuck do I ever hate the ones that come along with being hurt. I don’t know if expecting, or knowing it was going to happen makes it better or worse but I do know that either way it still sucks.
Am I the only one that is sick and tired of the bullshit?

Heck, do I want to settle down, get married, have 1 or 2 more little rugrats, a dog and anything but a mini-van?
Damn right I do.

Do I need them now?
No.

Was I hoping to keep all of the heartache behind me, in the past?
Who isn’t.

Now?
Now I don’t even know how to process what the hell is going through my mind.
I wasn’t ever going to figure out how to do it sitting alone in a hotel room 1977.6 kms from home, with a bottle of wine so I’ve taken to my blog. Welcome to my first ever drunk blog post! Wooo.
Conference will be #superfun tomorrow.

Damn.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

The thing is, even when you know, you always hope you’re wrong.

It’s just what I do.
Falling for the guy that I know is going to hurt me – I should just expect it by now.

But I don’t.
I believe in true love and I want to believe in it.
I’m loyal and faithful and I didn’t know that it was too much to expect of someone else.

So Universe, if you’re listening, this is what I need:
I am perfectly fine, perfectly content, being alone.

BUT, in case that’s not what you have in store for me, all I’m looking for is someone that cares for me in the same way that I do for them, someone who is loyal, faithful, affectionate and honest.

I want that song.
“don’t just wanna make love, I wanna make love last…”

If that’s too much to ask for then let’s just go with the honesty because if I ever again have to ask the person I’m with if there is someone else, just to hear them say no and find out it’s a lie, later on down the road, I’ll give up. I swear I will.

And I really don’t want to.
If I had to go out into the world believing true love doesn’t exist out there it would break my heart.

So prove me wrong.

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14 thoughts on “Heartbreak and Heartache: A Letter To The Universe.

  1. Hang in there. I’m glad you posted this and haven’t given up on love. It can and will happen as long you’re willing to give it a try.

  2. Um… if it’s any consolation, I had the same type of hurt & realization happen to me last week. So… yeah.

    *sigh*

    I’m sorry to hear of your pain. I hope it brings you peace and some sort of closure, somehow. Maybe it’s not clear, right now. But believing that love is still on your side? That’s a great place to start.

    xxoo

    • I’d rather neither of us were hurting, but I’m glad you understand.
      It does bring a little bit of closure and I almost feel like I can start to heal now.
      Now that I actually know and I’m not just wondering anymore.

      Thank you T.

  3. My thoughts on love have always been changing. I think sometimes believe I think about love more than I do any other subject.. Right now I think that true love doesn’t have to be that madly, insanely in love type that people think about. The love that burns really bright. I think true love is two people who love each other the same amount. Because it doesn’t matter if one of you loves the other more than life itself if you don’t love each other equally. Love is not something you can do for both of you. All that is going to do is make one person resent the other.

  4. Aw man, this hurt so much to read. I could relate a lot. And I also thought of what T recently found out. It’s soul shattering to realize you’re living somebody else’s illusion. And to find something out accidentally is such a horrific feeling. Like your whole body just heats up, you can’t stop shaking, and yeah you want to vomit. I get that. Girl, I’m here for you if you ever want to talk more about this. I hope you’re feeling a little better by now.

    • 🙂 Thank you.
      It’s fine when I don’t think about it and each time I do it hurts a little less, but it does still hurt..
      Nothing you can do about it really so at this point I’m just going to move on.

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