Disclaimer: I swear this is a one time pity-post. It’ll never happen again. Probably. But I just found something out, and it’s too late to call home and bitch to someone there. So readers beware. You will never hear me speak about this again, nor will I blog about it again but for tonight I’m going to let myself. Alternate title for this post: I need to stop being so damn naive OR I hate getting played. Either one would have worked.
Have you ever found something out by accident that completely tore you apart, from your heart right down to your soul?
The kind of thing that, immediately upon finding out, makes your hands shake and makes you want to vomit?
Like a punch right in the gut.
The kind of hurt that happens way beyond finding somebody else’s clothes in the clean laundry you’re folding.
Or finding out that YOU are the pregnant “other woman” screwing up somebody else’s life.
It’s the kind of hurt that happens when you find out that things have carefully been orchestrated to give the illusion of something that obviously wasn’t even there to begin with – if it had been then there wouldn’t have been anything hurtful for you to find.
I know it really shouldn’t be as big of a deal as it feels..
But I tend to think as much with my head as I do with my heart and, for right now, my heart is hurting.
And I’m just going to let it.
But I have to tell you, there is a world of difference between thinking you know something and actually knowing.
A world of difference and world of hurt.
Today, “everything happens for a reason,” feels like a whole lot of bullshit.
I keep asking myself why I do it. Why I open myself up and let my heart get stomped all over.
The thing is I just can’t help it.
Maybe I think more with my heart than my head, who knows.
I let myself get hurt too easily.
I need to start learning when to ease off, step back and re-evaluate relationships.
Earlier than when I realize I’m about to get hurt, big time.
You know I don’t mind the kind of tears that come along with being touched, or moved or even saddened by something but fuck do I ever hate the ones that come along with being hurt. I don’t know if expecting, or knowing it was going to happen makes it better or worse but I do know that either way it still sucks.
Am I the only one that is sick and tired of the bullshit?
Heck, do I want to settle down, get married, have 1 or 2 more little rugrats, a dog and anything but a mini-van?
Damn right I do.
Do I need them now?
Was I hoping to keep all of the heartache behind me, in the past?
Now I don’t even know how to process what the hell is going through my mind.
I wasn’t ever going to figure out how to do it sitting alone in a hotel room 1977.6 kms from home, with a bottle of wine so I’ve taken to my blog. Welcome to my first ever drunk blog post! Wooo.
Conference will be #superfun tomorrow.
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.
The thing is, even when you know, you always hope you’re wrong.
It’s just what I do.
Falling for the guy that I know is going to hurt me – I should just expect it by now.
But I don’t.
I believe in true love and I want to believe in it.
I’m loyal and faithful and I didn’t know that it was too much to expect of someone else.
So Universe, if you’re listening, this is what I need:
I am perfectly fine, perfectly content, being alone.
BUT, in case that’s not what you have in store for me, all I’m looking for is someone that cares for me in the same way that I do for them, someone who is loyal, faithful, affectionate and honest.
I want that song.
“don’t just wanna make love, I wanna make love last…”
If that’s too much to ask for then let’s just go with the honesty because if I ever again have to ask the person I’m with if there is someone else, just to hear them say no and find out it’s a lie, later on down the road, I’ll give up. I swear I will.
And I really don’t want to.
If I had to go out into the world believing true love doesn’t exist out there it would break my heart.
So prove me wrong.