This year started off with a bang.
A great big slap in the face from the universe telling me to wake up and realize that things don’t happen the way you plan them. A reminder that I can count on things going one way but I truly have no control. Things are going to happen the way they’re going to happen – you can’t control it, you can’t change it, you can just hold on, ride it out and go with it.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I believe that everything happens for a reason.
It’s more of a mantra now than it is any kind of comfort but lately it’s like the universe is slowly revealing it’s hand – saying don’t feel anxious, don’t feel unsure, just go with it – look at all the wonderful things that we have in store for you!
This is what is meant to be, I’m more sure of it now than I was before although I’m still not certain – and I’m sure I never will be.
But, for today, I’m okay with it – comfortable with it and ready to face it head on.
What I’m trying to come to terms with really, are the things that are waiting for me later on in the year.
Decisions I have to make and changes that await me.
The little dude starts school in September – a huge and monumental mommy step.
I skipped kindergarten registration this week.
Because, for the moment, it’s too hard to pin down where we will be and what we will be doing.
I’m afraid to commit to it.
To staying here and just being.
And then I look at that last sentence and I think: I’m nuts.
I’m in business, I’m a single parent of a preschooler ready to enter kindergarten and I’m tired of moving around and being unsure.
I cannot build a business and keep moving around.
I cannot get my child into a routine if we are constantly moving around.
I know all of this, and still…
I was talking to a friend the other day about how I’ve been thinking, “I have this stupid idea…” I’d like to buy one of the older cottages in the area and spend some time fixing it up and making it mine.
Refinishing floors, fixing drywall, painting, tiling, decorating..
He asked me why I thought it was a stupid idea and I listed a handful of reasons before I finally said, “I just feel like it would mean I was settling down – and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”
I’ve made some recent decisions, that didn’t end the way I’d thought they would, but really, what would I have to lose – would it really be a mistake?
Mistakes are only life lessons learned, right?
I can’t remember everything he told me – and it’s too far back in my text message history to find now, but I remember thinking that he was right. Even if I’m afraid that it isn’t going to work out I should still try.
If it wasn’t going to be hard work would it really be worth it?
It’s like I’m afraid to grow up – take on the adult responsibilities of a mortgage and picking a city to raise my child in.
Even though there was a lot more work involved, I was happy in my late teens and early, early, twenties moving to different cities every year and figuring out if I loved it.
Trial and error – mistakes and once in a lifetime experiences.
But now it’s time to reign myself in, and find a way to get that excitement and satisfaction in an adult way that fosters my child’s development and home-life.
I think that a new home, that we renovate to fit the two of us perfectly is a really great way to do it.
I’m not in a rush really – I could spend the next year saving and searching.
We can spend the next few years renovating and bonding together.
It’s like a mother/son life project.
So while I’m still uncertain, I’m assured that it’s a normal part of any life-changing decision, I’m feeling good about it. I’m thinking I’m ready. Thinking I can do it.
I have all of the basic skills from helping my dad out while I was growing up and dating an electrician/tile setter that was all to happy to show me a few things and let me lend a hand.
I have my mom to motivate me and direct some of the decorating.
I think that I’m ready.
I think that I can do it.
I’m tired of making decisions for and because of other people.
I’m ready to just live my life and let whatever happens, happen.
No more waiting around, making decisions based on other people’s decisions.
No more moulding my life to fit somebody else.
If they want me they can take my life into account. My business, my son and my happiness.
Because while it makes me happy to make other people happy, it simultaneously makes me miserable.
That isn’t what I want for myself and it isn’t what I want for my son.
I want him to know that his happiness shouldn’t come in second place.
That he’s worth anything and everything.
I think I’m ready to settle down and do this for myself.
Also, I’ll be heading to Dallas next month for a show in preparation for getting the store opened this year. Any suggestions on things I must do or see while I’m there??