You know, it doesn’t happen often but I sometimes wonder if maybe I’ve made bad decisions.
If I hadn’t decided to take risky chances and just stuck with safe options if things might be easier right now.
If two and a half years ago I hadn’t decided to pack up and move to Ottawa for a job that I was unsure of (which I took only because I knew I was being laid off) which I quit after I figured out that they were screwing me out of a paycheck and hadn’t decided to stay in the city and see if I could make it work.
Now that I’m back in my hometown and we’ve settled in it doesn’t feel like I ever even made that decision.
It feels like a quick visit rather than 2 years and two homes later.
The only time I’m reminded of it is when I get this terrible pang deep in my stomach telling me to go back – since I hadn’t wanted to leave in the first place – or in small everyday things that could be normal, but I question.
Like: did moving up there at a somewhat pivotal time, when the little dude was 18 months old affect his eating habits? Is that why he’s so picky? If we had stayed put and he hadn’t had to make so many adjustments and hadn’t been moved away from everyone he knew would he have continued to eat well and eat a variety of foods like he had been, or was he always going to end up a picky eater?
Or potty training – if we hadn’t moved into the new house while he was in the middle of potty training and actually enjoying it would I still be here cleaning pee up off of the carpet today? If we hadn’t moved back home and taken him out of daycare would we be further along or even completely finished by now?
It’s weird how the tiniest of things can bring out the biggest of emotions.
Sometimes I wonder if moving away and raising him completely alone and completely by myself has/or will have a negative impact on him.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, right?
So maybe it was a little cocky of me to think that I would be a strong enough person in his life to be able to raise him like that.
Sometimes I wonder who the hell I was, thinking that I could just up and make a decision like that for the both of us.
A lot of good came out of those decisions. A lot.
And I can’t ignore that.
But I also can’t help but wonder.
There were a lot of frustrating nights up there in the big O. A lot of tears and a little bit of depression.
Maybe I could have avoided all of that – and the frustration of boomeranging right back into my parents’ home while I decided where I was going and what I was doing – if I could have just seen how it was all going to turn out.
But hindsight is 20/20 and you can’t predict the future.
And I swore I wouldn’t dwell on the what ifs but for today.. I can’t help but wonder. You know?
Some days I feel like the absolutely wrong person for the mom job.
But for today I just keep wiping the pee up off the carpet, watching the little guy play, working on my business plans and hoping the shitty feelings will pass. Today I’m just going to keep telling myself that it isn’t my fault that some things are the way they are and maybe tomorrow I’ll believe it.