dating / life / relationships / Single parenting

single moms have dating prospects, really.

It’s hard to see my single mom friends jump into the dating scene, so quickly, after a hiatus and be prepared to snatch up the first guy they find is interested in them.
It’s like they’re dating with blinders on.

Ever seen that Superbowl episode of How I Met Your Mother when Ted makes his own custom Sensory Deprivator 5000’s?
It’s like that.

Some of them slip into the dating pool slowly, one toe at a time, feeling it out, taking their time and never really putting themselves out there but I’d have to say, from my experiences, most of them jump right in ready to accept the first person they meet that is interested in them and focus on just making it work. They aren’t willing to set many standards for themselves and don’t want to let go of something that really isn’t working just because all they want is to have somebody – even if it means holding on to something that really isn’t there.

Take for example my friend A. She’s a newly-ish single mom to a two year old boy. Her relationship with his dad wasn’t great and he was a heavy drinker with no care or concern for her once she agreed to marry him and she was smart enough to walk away when she realized that – unfortunately, she also discovered she was pregnant and went back to him prepared to work on their relationship.
After a year and a half of verbal and psychological abuse she packed up their son and left him, again, for the final time.

So now she’s at a place in her life where she feels ready to move on and to start dating.
The problem: she feels like there is nobody out there.
I think that being a parent or not being a parent, everyone who re-emerges onto the dating scene after being in a relationship for so many years feels that way.
In her case she thinks that whoever the first guy to show an interest in her is she needs to hang on and never let go.
To her that means: blowing a guy in the bathroom at work.

Really.

My thoughts: It would be different if 1) it wasn’t happening at work and 2) it was something “mutually beneficial” to both of them. It seems to me as if he’s using her and she isn’t sure how to turn him down. They’ve gotten into a pattern and a routine and it’s hard to break.

The thing is, at our ages, and the way society is now, there are actually a lot of dating prospects and options out there for single parents.
I honestly can’t say that there is an increase in single parent-dom because I don’t really know for sure. What I do know for sure is that most people my age, that I am friends or acquaintances with, have a child or have friends with children.
So I think we’re all on a pretty fairly level playing field when it comes to dating – at least that’s my opinion.
Most of my friends are single parents, looking to date or are dating a single parent.
That’s just how it is.

To me, the dating pool isn’t as shallow as it seems. You just need to have an open mind and know what you’re looking for.

I don’t say this just because I am dating and have some kind of rose-coloured glasses view on the world now.

Even right after my son was born I didn’t think there was nobody out there for me and I didn’t think I needed to have no standards in order to find somebody who was interested in me.
To tell you the truth, I found it easier to date.
I finally figured out what I wanted and what I was looking for once my son was born.
It’s easier to do when you are no longer just going out and having fun and you have priorities.

Some tips, if I may:

1) Don’t just look for the kind of person you think you want to be with, be that person.
You can’t just expect someone to decide they want to be with you or to fall in love with you if you aren’t happy with yourself. If you don’t love you, how will anybody else?

2) Don’t be narrow-minded. Keep your mind open to all of the different possibilities and don’t limit yourself based on whatever your situation is. Everybody has something in their life that they think is going to be unattractive and less desirable to the opposite sex, but I think that it only becomes a big deal when you make it one.
If you think that somebody isn’t going to date you just because you have children then you’re putting that vibe out there and they probably won’t.

3) Embrace every part of who you are.
Figure out what you’re passionate and what makes you happy. Nothing is more attractive than somebody who is happy in their own skin, who is happy and content.

4) Don’t be looking for somebody to complete you – you should complete you. You should find somebody to compliment who you are and enhance your awesomeness, not to make you who you are. Don’t change who you are, your values and your morals for somebody who isn’t worth it.

5) Realize that finding a partner isn’t the be all and end all of your life.
Being confident and sexy for yourself will bring you so much more satisfaction and pleasure than doing all of that for someone else.

Finding a partner is a beautiful and satisfying thing but it’s hard to find prospects when you are so stuck in a negative state of mind and it isn’t essential.

I wish I could sit some people down and say screw Mister Right Now and hold out for Mister Right.
If you ask me, true love trumps blow jobs in the work bathroom any day, but I guess not everybody sees it that way.

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