I saw this blogging challenge over at Cogito Ergo Blog and found it really interesting – so I’m going to jump right in and have at it! Like Nate said, it is supposed to be something done consecutively for 30 days but I’m basically just going use it as filler and to inspire some posts between regular blog posts.

I’m going to link back to all of them here – feel free to play along!

Day 01 : Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 : Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 : Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 : Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 : Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 : Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 : Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 : Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 : What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 : Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 : (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 : Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 : Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 : Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 : What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Like, for instance, seeing that an ex-boyfriend who you have no inherent interest in, has had a baby.
There is no explanation but there is a pang of jealousy for some reason.
Given the chance, would I have a baby with him myself? No.
But jealousy seems to defy logic sometimes.

Then there are tiny little things that shouldn’t even appear on the jealousy radar that seem huge when you have feelings for someone.
It’s kind of hard to understand why I have feelings for somebody (completely unrelated to the blurb about The Ex, above) when logically I know that it could just never work out.
When you know that you deserve better.
When you know logistics make things impossible.
When the level of commitment is so mismatched that it’s comical.
When you resist letting it go any further, because you want to hold out for someone that is going to treat you right.

Why do I know all of this and yet still feel hurt?
I feel betrayed by my heart – it’s the part of me that’s getting hurt, it should be the first part of me that wants to get up and get out.
Yet here I am and it’s the last part of me that is holding on.

I lay in bed and wonder when I’m going to be able to let go and move on – when I’ll be able to stop feeling hurt by things that I don’t feel like I should be “allowed” to feel hurt by.
It kills me to know that he’s out with another girl or interested in someone else – and it isn’t even any of my business.
I have no right to those feelings.

Things are the way they are and I’ve just gotta deal.

It makes me angry – and I’d really rather just feel indifferent.

But here I am, with these feelings that I don’t know what to do with and this mounting frustration that is crushing me.
I have to move on – and I will – but I guess I just need some time.

I know I have to move on, I swear on it, but I just can’t rid myself of this nagging feeling when it comes to whole situation and I just.. wish I knew why. I wish I could put it into words, or explain it even a little bit.

It makes me feel like a crazy person.
For real.

Bah.

Most of the time when I think about where I thought I’d be by now and where I am, I like to think that I am a lot happier now than I would have been if everything had gone to plan. Occasionally, there are days that take so much out of me that I wonder if that’s true.
I wonder where I’d be and who I’d be if things had just gone the way they were “supposed” to.
Would  I still be with The Ex, trying aimlessly to make a career out of writing other people’s stories – getting married and planning the future with him? I can say, without a single doubt, that a life with him is not anywhere near what I want, now that I know better.

Would I be with JME in the townhouse we had in our little suburb of the city, raising James and an almost 1 year old, together?

What if I’d given in and moved in with and married The Mirage?
I would have miserable – there isn’t a single doubt in my mind about that one.
I mean a lifetime of misery is exactly the reason why I chose to walk away.

I am truly happy, where I am now, but sometimes I can’t help but want just a little bit more.
I am not, by any means, unhappy.
I just covet a little more enrichment in some aspects of my life.
Truthfully, it’s the usual stuff that I gripe about – I wish that I had someone in my life.

As happy as I am, I find myself jealous.
Friends getting married and having babies – and then more babies – picking up their lives and moving across country, or to another country, travelling, career changes – the list goes on and on.

I’m not always jealous, but it does happen.
Glimpses of jealousy.

_______________________________________________________

I can’t even finish writing this, but I guess I’ll publish it anyway.

The strangest thing about this post is that everything I’ve written here, has asolutely nothing to do with what I had the intention of writing about. I guess, even in the one place where I should be able to write what I’m thinking, I can’t.

Fortunately, sitting here thinking about it, writing it out and erasing it, writing it out and erasing it, has just exhausted me and for the first time in a couple of weeks, I think I’m actually tired enough to get some sleep.

It isn’t even directly related to all of this – other than the jealousy aspect.
I suppose I’m just not ready to face my own feelings and confront them by writing them out.

*sigh*

After all this time, and everything that’s happened between us, I don’t know why we even had to revisit this discussion (okay, well I do, but let’s just avoid talking about all of that) and since he didn’t want to marry me while we were together, I’m not entirely sure why it’s an issue now.
He wanted to know why I couldn’t picture it anymore – why it wouldn’t work for me.
It was a lot easier for me to answer than I thought it would be.
Once I got started, I just kept going.

I think I answered just as many questions for myself as I did for him.

My big concern was that somewhere down the line we would be married, have a home and children – and I would be handling it all myself. That’s not what I want. I want someone who is going to be there when they can – somebody who is looking to have me as their partner.
The problem isn’t the long hours, I can work with those.
I don’t mind getting up early so we can have breakfast together and waiting until late to have dinner together.
I didn’t care about never getting an evening or weekend together – it was the time outside of work that was my primary concern.

I just think that in a mature adult relationship, you need to make your partner a priority of some kind and as much as he assured me that I was – I really wasn’t.
When he wasn’t working, he was out with the guys from work – at work functions or just to party.
When it wasn’t work, or coworker related, it was that he needed to get to the gym (and we did workout together when our schedules didn’t conflict) or he needed to go see “the guys.” When it wasn’t one of those, he just needed space.

Spending any time with me was really the last thing on his mind.
It was really difficult for me to handle and I know, going into it, that I wouldn’t deal with it any better as time went on.
In fact, I think, as time went on, I would just get more frustrated with the situation.
We wouldn’t last in the long run.

When we had this conversation and I voiced my concerns, he had a rebuttal argument for everything I had to say.
Rather than make me feel better, it just made it worse.
It actually made me angry.
It made me realize that no matter what I said, or how I explained it to him, he just didn’t understand.

I explained to him that 10 years down the road, if we were married with kids and a house to take care of, I wouldn’t want to be doing it alone all the time. That at some point I would expect him to quit partying like a frat boy, man up and help take care of our family.
It’s not that I couldn’t do it alone – I do it now – it’s that I don’t want to.

I’m not saying he would be forever sentenced to a life inside our house. By all means, go out with your friends for drinks, or to the game – or whatever! I’m saying that I expect you to come home, every single night. I expect that I will not be sitting up waiting to have dinner with you when you’re finished work and you’re a no-show without so much as a phone call or a text. I don’t want to wake up in the morning and wonder if you even came home the night before.

If I’m with somebody, I want them to be with me.
I don’t want to be an afterthought.

His response to my concerns about not having a partner in our life together was to tell me that we could hire somebody to help me.
A nanny.
A housekeeper.

I don’t want that.
I want to raise my own children – and I don’t need somebody to clean my house.
I enjoy doing those things myself.
I just want to be able to do it in a partnership with the person I’m supposed to be doing it with.

No matter how many times, and in how many different ways I explained myself – he just didn’t get it.

That’s not to say that I’d never be with somebody that worked 6-7 days a week and 12+ hour days, and goes on frequent 2-3 week business trips like JME.
Working long hours and being away from each other is something I can deal with.
I guess it’s just the mentality of what happens outside of those hours that matters to me the most.
And he just doesn’t get what I want or need.

I just need to know that at some point my (future) husband and I will be able to take time out of our busy lives and reconnect with each other.
At the end of the day, it’s our relationship that’s important.

He can’t guarantee that – and never wanted it when we lived together. Why should I expect that it would magically change because we signed a legal document?

The other thing he kept bringing up was that at one point, early on in our relationship, I told him that I wasn’t sure it even mattered if we ever got married – what difference does a little piece of paper make? Well, somewhere along the line, something changed. All of a sudden that little piece of paper means something to me.
It’s suddenly something I can’t compromise on.
Don’t ask me why – I don’t have an explanation.
It just is.

Image from http://kevinmartineau.ca

I’m kind of concerned that maybe I’ll never find somebody willing to make those compromises for me.
Somebody that wants the same things that I do.
I mean, after 6 years of sex for fun/”do we want to be together”/dating/living together/letting it all fall apart – you’d think we would have had it all figured out.

I guess, even when you know somebody, you really don’t know them as well as you think you do.

Is what I want just too much to ask for?

I took a 10 day vacation last month so you all get stuck with a photo dump.

The purpose of the vacation was actually for a friend’s wedding that I was standing up in. The vacation was more stressful than it was relaxing and honestly, I’ve felt like need a vacation ever since that “vacation.”
I flew out to Texas for a night and then to Miami a couple days early, because I had some personal business to take care of before I left on the cruise ship, and the carry-on bag that I packed SO carefully and ended up having to be checked at the gate ended up in Orlando and didnt make it to Miami until 4:30 AM the day after I got there. My wallet, credit cards, ALREADY PAID FOR hotel reservations and shoes that weren’t the 5 inch heels I wore on the plane were all in that bag. Which meant I couldn’t go anywhere, do anything, change, or check in to my hotel in Miami.
Big shout out to the staff at the Hilton in Killeen that let me check into my room without my ID and credit card because they remembered me from my last stay. Woo.
Did I mention I was wearing a sweater dress, heels, and a winter coat? Way more than what I needed for the weather in both Florida and Texas.

Thanks, Delta.

I ended up having to call my Dad (a post for another day, in and of itself) to pick me up from the Miami airport and ended up crashing on the pullout couch at my Grandma’s place in her little retirement community – really, it was not what I’d had in mind when I planned a few extra days of vacation.

It really wasn’t all that terrible once I adjusted to the whole “oh, hey dad, haven’t seen you in 9 years” awkward tension.

*sigh*

When I did eventually make it on to the cruise ship it really didn’t take long for me to figure out that I probably wasn’t going to enjoy my trip.
It occurred to me, 30 minutes into the Atlantic Ocean, as I spent some quality time in the Lido Deck bathroom, puking my pretty little heart out, that I’m not the cruising kind of person.
I do get motion sickness in cars but being out on the water has never really bothered me so I was really unprepared to be so sick.

Sidenote: If you’re ever sick on a cruise ship, don’t head to the gym for a workout – running on the treadmill will make it significantly worse.

We had terrible weather every day until the second last day.

This is what it looks like to sail into a storm when you're on vacation.

There was nothing that I really enjoyed other than the food (holy amazeballs!) and the piano bar.
Oh and they played the NFL playoffs on a gigantic tv outside on the Lido Deck. That was pretty awesome.
The shows were always full, the casino was filled with cigarette smoke and I just found it really hard to let go and enjoy myself.
It was almost claustrophobic.

The tender from the ship to the port in Grand Cayman

My absolute favourite part of the trip, by far, was the day we spent in Grand Cayman.
I got to separate myself from the group for the day and just go do things that I enjoyed.
I relaxed on the beach, snorkled, got some sun, sampled some *amazing* rum and tried some new food!

Speaking of food – it was so hard not to overdo it on the ship. Every night was something new and delicious.
The best part of the menu in the dining room was the “Didja Ever Wanna Try” section.
Every night they had something different and I HAD to try it.
Some things I’d had before, some things I hadn’t but it was like a challenge I couldn’t pass up.
I wish I’d taken photos of the food because I cannot remember everything and desperately wish I could!

There was duck, escargots, frog legs, and alligator fritters on the ship – not to mention the jerk chicken in Jamaica and the turtle steaks in the Caymans.

I met a man in Grand Cayman that came on vacation one year, married his wife there and then they ended up moving there shortly after their vacation. Now he lives there with his wife and two boys and runs a store selling NFL merchandise,  His story made it really hard for me not to sign a 5 year lease on a house on the beach and send for the LD.
I was so tempted not to come home. lol

Speaking of Jamaica and Grand Cayman: I had no idea that’s where we were going. When we booked it we were supposed to be going to Grand Turk, Ochos Rios, Grand Cayman and Cozumel. Or something like that. T changed her mind so much and so often that by the time I showed up at the Miami Port the only place I knew we were stopping at for sure was Ochos Rios – since that is where the wedding was.

ANYWAYS, I went on a boat, went to a wedding and then I went home.
The conclusion I’ve come to is that even the most relaxed brides turn into bridezillas on their wedding days and that I’d much rather be on a beach than a boat. Well, I’d much rather be on a beach than a cruise ship.

The end.

There are times when I wonder if I could ever fully commit to somebody, 100%, full-time, 24/7. I like my space so much that it’s almost as if a long-distance relationship is ideal. All of the commitment with only half the calories. Er.. Suffocation. No wait, that’s probably not the right word.
What I’m saying, I guess, is that I really prefer to have my own space most of the time. That even though I enjoy the company of the people I date, getting to share the bed with somebody and, of course, the whole having sex on a regular basis thing, I just get antsy and irritated when somebody is always in my space.
I suppose that’s why I do so well in long- distance relationships. Especially with JME, when we first began dating and were a ten hour drive apart from each other it felt like our relationship was a lot stronger and it was so much easier to communicate – we were truly happy.
When we decided to move in together things began to go downhill almost immediately. I can’t really explain it. Nothing had changed other than our living arrangements and the distance between us. We were so happy for so long – almost three years, and it was kind of shocking for things to disintegrate the way they did.

The first time I ever met him, I felt like he was “the one” I told my friends I was going to marry him one day, (Although it was well over a year after that before we even began dating) and I felt that way up until sometime during the period when we were living together.
It’s strange to me, when I think about it.

It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to settle down and be happy.

Maybe I just need to end up with someone who is only home a week or two a month.
Seriously.
Or a long distance marriage.
Is that a thing?
My strongest relationships have always been long distance.

I’m sitting on a plane right now, headed to yet another wedding – this time for a friend from college and all I can think about is how what they have is so not for me.
Maybe that will change. Who knows.

On the flip-side, I’m almost jealous that they are so certain about being with each other.

I had a friend get married in December that was almost certain that she did not want to be with the groom BUT she wanted to be married, so she married him.
There is truly a difference between settling down and settling. With my past experiences I’m not entirely sure I’d be able to tell the difference for myself if the time ever came – and that thought terrifies me. Although I’m sure my mother would speak up, since she seems to have an opinion on everything – and she’s just as stubborn and opinionated as I am.

She thinks I’m still stuck and hung up on JME, and yeah, I am a little bit – he was a big part of my life, and she reminds me weekly that I need to move on.
But it isn’t just him – there’s B too.
B in a bigger and completely different way.

I need to figure it out but don’t count on that happening anytime soon.

*sigh*

I kind of make myself sound like a commitmentphobe I suppose but that’s not what it is. I don’t enjoy casual sex and “seeing” multiple people? It just stresses me out.
I’m down for being with one person, exclusively, I just need space. I need to be able to have my weekly girls’ night out, sans guilt-trip. I want to be able to do all of the things I enjoy doing, the gym, coffee with friends, random trips etc., without feeling like I shouldn’t because I have someone waiting around for me.

Reading that back to myself, it makes me feel selfish.
Maybe I’m asking too much.
The problem though, is that I’m willing to wait around – alone – until I find exactly what makes me happy.
Which means I may be alone for a very long time.

I’m not willing to settle just so I can settle down.

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Well, to show our appreciation for our dear readers, Kat of Kat’s Cafe and Mister Mama, Sir have joined together to bring you a giveaway that ends on Christmas Day – and is perfect for everyone in the family!

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From the Back of the Case:

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From the Back of the Case:

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I can’t embed the widget on my blog so please visit this facebook page to enter!
Thank you!

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTWRFDtOriAnW41fFT2K2GDsJm1QCtfUHBfUXDU_4mFgCQSHXm4fg

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my life and who I am and what it is that I want to do with my life.

Despite feeling lonely and a little anxious over certain things I feel like I’ve finally moved a giant step forward in my life – and maybe it’s just the calm before the storm, or maybe it’s just that I’ve officially been here, without JME, for a year. I feel like somewhere along the way, I put the baggage down and began to move on.
I think it was gradual, so I didn’t really notice it at first, and yeah, I am still struggling with certain aspects of my life more than I’d ever admit outside of this blog or texts to MH but tonight, I had the tiniest revelation: I am right where I need to be, for me. I’m happy. I mean, I’m still struggling – but I’m happy.

The strangest part of all of this is that all it took was carving a pumpkin with the LD for it to hit me.
I find that I get a lot more joy out of the small things in life than I ever truly did outside of the honeymoon phase of my three years with JME.
That was three years that was a whole lot of arguing, stress and discontentment. Yeah, a lot of it had to do with outside stresses in our lives for each of us, but it was still there. Now I’m here, raising the LD on my own, paying all of the bills by myself, running a business alone – cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping – the whole shebang – alone.
Not only is it not as terrible as I pictured it being, I actually, genuinely, enjoy it.

As I sat there, elbows deep in pumpkin goo and talking about the Halloween crafts we are going to make, I thought about how I could really enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom if the opportunity ever presented itself.

If you don’t know me IRL then you don’t know how big of a deal this is.

Before the LD I was all about my career – who I was going to be, where I was going to go and the amazing things I was going to do.
I planned on getting married, one day, but I never planned on children. I just couldn’t see how they would fit into my plan and, besides that, I was one of those people that just hated children, with the exception of the children of close friends and family.
Then the LD came along.
Now my plans have changed – but so has what I want and where I want to go and what I want to do.
He has changed my entire world and opened it up to possibilities that I never allowed myself to consider.

It’s really hard for me to understand why in 4 1/2 years of being a parent I’ve never really felt this way or allowed myself the freedom to enjoy my life the way it’s happened but maybe it’s because things have finally settled down around here. Our life was up in the air for so long, especially over the last year, with JME and the baby and moving and school and business and.. the list goes on. But now, there is nothing but calm – for the moment.
I don’t mind some chaos in my life but I feel like it needs to be constructive chaos and everything over the last year was the exact opposite of that.
It was the chaos of my life breaking down.

Today we have routine, and peace.
I feel like my heart has opened up and relaxed after being closed off and in a perpetual state of tension for so long.

I feel like every decision that has led me to where I am now, was ultimately a good one.

I feel like this weekend marks the start of a fresh new year for the LD and I.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders – I literally just feel lighter.
I don’t feel the need to go to the gym every single day just to get the tension from all of the stress out of my body. I go now because it makes me feel good and it makes me happy.

I finally feel like I can enjoy my life – and I feel ridiculous saying this but, I feel like I can just enjoy being a mom.
Despite feeling like the last 4 years has been filled with a lot of stress and worry about “What the hell am I going to do” I feel good and lately I’ve felt like being a mom – single or not – is the best part of my life. I don’t think I could have said that before and there is a lot of guilt that comes along with admitting it but I feel like at this point in my life I can admit that and be okay with it.
I am just so happy with the life that the LD and I have created together.

I feel like all of the stress  and the worries in the past were almost worth it because he is the best thing in my life.
And lately, I feel lucky every day that he is mine.

I feel like every day of my life that I am his mother, is the best day of my life.