co-parenting / Single parenting / The Dad

jinx: a rant.

I should have known as soon as I hit publish that I was setting myself up for a massive fail – a jinx of sorts.

As soon as I finished all of my I don’t care what he does because it doesn’t affect me and we co-parent well because well, we really don’t ever have to do it and we’re just civilized to each other when we do?
I mean really it’s pretty much like I’m parenting with Grandma Z since most of the time I skip over discussing things with him and go straight to her. She generally rules with an iron fist – what she says goes and what she says, he does.

That’s just how it is.

He isn’t responsible enough to make most of these decisions for himself and he doesn’t put much effort into his follow through.

All of this came to a head this weekend and I can’t even describe how angry and uneasy feeling I am right now.

The little dude just left for a week at his The Dad’s house.

I have never, in the entire existence of our co-parenting relationship, felt uneasy about him spending time with his father.
Until now.

And I can’t put my finger on it and I don’t know if it’s because of how badly everything went down or if it’s because he’s actually going to be the one “caring” for the little dude for the next week. Usually he only visits when Grandma Z or Grandpa Grandpa have time off of work and are there to do all the “hard” work.
He doesn’t discipline him, doesn’t know what to feed him, doesn’t know what time he goes to bed or that he needs a night light on.
But this week, unless his sister takes over, he is doing it all on his own.

It makes me nervous.

I don’t want the little dude to hate being there and I know they will be butting heads over a lot of things.

I just can’t stand the thought of the little dude being miserable.

I know, I know – you’re only getting my perspective on this and he will probably be perfectly happy being there with The Dad. Every time I think about it and think about how bad this upcoming week is going to be I try to put myself in his shoes but after everything that has happened the last few days I feel like I’m just sitting here, holding my breath and waiting for things to go wrong. The thing is, try as I may, I just can’t picture things going well. He’s no CBG. And he doesn’t want to be a dad, unless it’s convenient for him.

Take this past week, for instance: On Monday I received a phone call from The Dad’s parents exclaiming their excitement about having a whole week to spend time with the little dude. They were glad that The Dad and I had been able to settle arrangements and plan it all.
The problem: I hadn’t spoken to The Dad since Christmas and that was something he’d told them to pacify them and their requests to visit with their grandson. Nice, eh.

So I explained that I hadn’t spoken to him and didn’t know what they were talking about and once that drama was cleared up we did make arrangements for The Dad to pick him up this weekend.
I didn’t want the little dude to go away this weekend because I already had plans arranged but since, for reasons unbeknownst to me, I feel guilty saying no to them spending time with him I gave in, and changed my plans to work around what they wanted.
What a freaking mistake.

The Dad wanted to pick him up on Friday while we were out and happened to be in a city 2 hours closer to where he lives. I told him that it was fine but that Saturday would work much better for me.
He agreed that Saturday would be better and I agreed he could keep him until Sunday instead of Saturday, our original plan.

Thursday night I called and confirmed our plans, and then made plans for my little dude free evening, which included a very expensive hotel reservation.

All is fine and well until late Friday afternoon rolls around and The Dad calls me.

He had decided that it wasn’t fair that he had to drive all the way to our house to pick up the little dude. He demanded that I drive to meet him half way.

I decline.

That wasn’t what we had arranged and I’d already changed my plans around enough for him. So he then states that he will now be pick the little dude up on Sunday, as long as that is okay with me.
Which it isn’t – and I tell him so.
He says that is, suddenly, not a problem and he will see me Saturday.

Come to find out that he went behind my back and called my mother.
Seriously dude?
I call your mother because you don’t know how to return phone calls, emails or text messages – not to be an asshole.
Not knowing what my plans are, or that I’ve already spoken to him, my mother agrees.

And you know what, all of that above isn’t even the part that pisses me off – I pretty much just expect all of that. What pisses me off:
The first time he’s ever actually had to pick his child up himself and he isn’t responsible enough to figure out how to plan out the trip to pick him up and drive him back.
He doesn’t want to do the drive all in one day but he can’t leave early because he wants to get drunk with his cousin.
The night before he picks him up he takes his medication for whatever he is apparently “sick” with, gets drunk and spends the night puking and the day he is supposed to be picking his son up sleeping off a hangover on his cousin’s couch.

He doesn’t call to say what time he is coming, like he said he would.

The little dude is excited for a visit so he spends most of the day watching out the window for his dad’s car.

He didn’t show for the entire day.

Just as I was about to give him a bath and put a very miserable and very disappointed little boy to bed tonight he decides to show.

So now he is on some kind of medication, exhausted and hungover, driving my baby on a 400 series highway for the next 4 hours.

Oh, fucking, joy.

Can you blame me for being paranoid?

On top of all of that he asks if he can bring him home on Friday – 2 days early – because he doesn’t want to miss ONE weekend of going out.

I just don’t get it, I really don’t. Does anybody have any insight other than he’s just an incredibly irresponsible and disrespectful individual?

I’m so tired of working things around for him, changing plans, going out of my way and getting walked all over like a freaking doormat.

Treat me like shit all you want but I cross the line at making my child feel like shit.
No three year old should ever have to ask their mother why their daddy “doesn’t like” them.
Never.

Man I’m pissed.
Would insisting that he stick to our custody agreement (even knowing he won’t use his visitation 96% of the time) be a bitch move, or is it something I need to start doing to make him responsible for his actions?
If he doesn’t show on our agreed day and time then he doesn’t get to use it?

I honestly don’t know anymore.

5 thoughts on “jinx: a rant.

  1. A custody arrangement is designed with the best interests of the child in mind. If one of the parents are not living up to that arrangement, then they need to be held accountable for their actions because, in the end, the only one they are hurting is the child.

    If his father is ultimately hurting him, then you need to make some tough decisions.

    Just my two cents.

    • I agree. Not that I want to be the “bad guy” here – and I try to think of it from the non-custodial parents point of view (all because of a blog post you wrote a long time ago lol) but in this instance I think his first priority is himself and I’m not sure where on his list his child falls. I hate for things to happen this way, especially since they shouldn’t have to but I feel like my hands are tied.

      He can be rude to me and dislike me all he wants but I draw the line at hurting our child.

  2. Pingback: The thing about dating single parents is… « Mister Mama, Sir

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